Finding My Voice

For the last five-ish years I spent a lot of time holding my breath and biting my tongue. I spent a lot of time being “fine”. Moving past that in sobriety has been tough. It’s probably been a bigger struggle than the not drinking, honestly. On here I can basically say what I want, because I don’t know any of you so there are no real consequences, but in real life I’m really struggling to open back up. Being an alcoholic in recovery is tough, being married to one is tough, being both is just… ridiculous. We’re both trying to make up for the past, forgive the other’s transgressions, open up and trust. And we’re getting there, but it in these moments, it is slow, tedious work. I get upset, and it’s generally nothing big, but I build it up in my head. When we were drinking we lost all ability to communicate. I would speak out, he would get defensive, one of us would say something shitty, the other would follow suit. Ad infinitum. Trying to let go, and trust the changes, is hard for me. I want to so badly, but I have trained myself not to rock the boat. So now, in not sharing, I’m rocking the boat anyway. The husband, being sober now too, has noticed it, has brought it up in a million ways. He’s been gentle about it, begging me to share with him, to trust him. He’s yelled in frustration, and apologized a million times for being someone I couldn’t talk to before. The words sit there, right under the surface. I practice saying them in my head, over and over. Try to hone them to perfection, to avoid any missteps, any chance that they can be taken the wrong way, twisted into something they were never meant to be. And the more I think on them, the sillier they seem, or the bigger. Or both. If I say them, I fear I will sound small and petty, and if I don’t, I fear they will cause me to explode. When I do find the strength to say them, nothing terrible happens. The world doesn’t implode. My husband doesn’t scream, or storm out the door, or refuse to speak with me. When I start talking we keep talking, and it’s nice. I just have to find a way to get those first words out without all this drama.