Waiting

I spent a lot of time waiting when we were drinking. I stopped doing things, started putting them off for when we were sober, for when things were better, whatever. I spent a lot of time feeling like I couldn’t go anywhere, or do anything. Even if I promised myself I’d stay sober, I’d probably drink. And even if I didn’t drink, my husband surely would. And he would get drunk, and be rude to my family or friends, or he’d get in a fight, or he’d just behave incredibly inappropriately. I couldn’t go without him, because he might do something dumb while I was gone. Or I might do something dumb. He might get angry about my absence. He might need me. I tied myself down with this responsibility that wasn’t really mine, to wait for / on this other adult, who should be able to take care of himself. I got so used to waiting that when we got sober, I just kept right on waiting. I waited for him to initiate conversations, waited for him to ask me what was wrong, waited for him to make plans, to pick a restaurant, to fix the broken pieces of me. Somehow I’d become this passive person who was just waiting. Scared to make a move on my own, do anything on my own. I stumbled across this snippet of a poem, and it sort of clicked for me.

so plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting 
for someone to bring
you flowers

– Jorge Luis Borges

So, I’m trying to plant my own garden, at least metaphorically. I’m letting go of my need to constantly be there. Letting go of the need to take care of my husband, instead of just caring  for my husband, if that makes sense. Letting go of all the fears that I let become normal… What if he gets out of control, what if I do something stupid, what if the world implodes and I’m not there with super glue. I’m taking care of myself. Saying when I’m not okay. Saying what I need to be in order to be okay, or asking for help if I don’t know what I need, instead of just waiting for someone else to see that I have a problem, and solve it or make it worse. It feels pretty good.